Monday, March 10, 2014

The Up's & Down's

I have stared at this blank screen for a while now trying to decide where to begin and I’m still not sure so I will start from my last post.

June 22, 2012. I was going places on my journey. I had no idea I would be here at this moment.

July 2012 began what would be my 2nd divorce. The girls and I packed up and moved back to the DFW metroplex where we would be close to family again. We found a little rent house, the girls were signed up for school and I found a new job that was great but still didn’t make ends meet being a single mom. I picked up a 2nd job waitressing on weekends and 2 nights a week. Thankfully I had family that lived across the street and they were able to help with the girls when I was working. I had a close circle of family and friends that got me through this time. I worked out or made good food choices every now and then but not faithfully.

April 2013, I met a man that would change me in more ways than I could imagine. He wasn’t my usual type at ALL. He was 12 years older, salt & pepper hair and a drummer in a metal band but I took a chance. It was one of the best chances I have ever taken. He has shown me what it’s like for a man to love me. Not what I can give, how clean the house is, what I cook for dinner, how I look, my weight or my past, but me.

May 2013, my oldest daughter decided she wanted to live with her dad. This was hard for me to say yes to but I did. She has been my right hand since she was born but I understood her desire to have a better relationship with her dad and who was I to prevent her from trying.

July 2013, our lease was about to be up on the rent house and we had everything laid out to move to Plano in August. I put the deposit down on our new place, started packing, hired the movers and started getting everything laid out.

August 2013, my guy asks us to move in with him. Crazy I know. It took me a while to make a decision. This meant I would be giving up my stuff and fitting into his home. For me this is what was hard. Not, would it work or would we be happy. That I knew was possible. My “stuff” had been my security for so long I wasn’t sure I could let go of it. Through 2 marriages and divorces I always had my “stuff” when I had to put the pieces back together again. I realized if I wanted this to be different then maybe I needed to be different. “Stuff” is just stuff and I want to have “stuff” that is ours, not mine and not his, but ours. So I did it. I gave away most of my “stuff” and the little one and I moved in with him.

November 2013, I was offered a better job with a construction company as the regional accounting admin and made the move. It feels like home and I love that feeling.

March 2014, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. I haven’t seen my oldest daughter for more than an hour or so at a time since July 2013. Honestly it’s more than I have in me right now to talk about but it breaks my heart. I don’t understand it. I haven’t figured out how to deal with it or fix it. I am a fixer and this one I haven’t been able to fix. I have done what I do in times of depression. I have put on weight. I am up 21 pounds since the last time I wrote here. That bothers me in many ways. I really thought I had my emotional eating figured out and under control. I was wrong. I sometimes feel like all the things I learned while I was blogging in the past were like a dream and they never really happened.

This is where I am and this is where I am starting from again. I don’t want to be skinny, skinny doesn’t mean happy. I don’t want a perfect figure, perfect figures don’t mean happy. I just want to be a happy healthy me and this is just where I will document the ups and downs of the journey. 

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