Baby Steps

Well I made it through the first week with out any huge "obstacles". I am down 5.2lbs since last Monday. I did very little exercise but I did track all of my food. Even the small pieces of fried chicken & french fries that I snatched from the little ones plate last night. It wasn't much but it went in mouth so it went on my tracker too. My plan for this week is...one day at a time. Right now I know that I am not mentally ready to commit to anything huge. So I will take this journey one day at a time until I am there. I know that if I set something huge for myself and I fail that could be the end of this journey for me.

The little one and I will head to the grocery store tonight for this weeks needed items so that will make my food choices easier this week. Being prepared is key to success. I know this to be a huge factor in this journey from the last time I did it. If the weather gets better this week I am hoping to start the C25K again. I think this will be a good idea that I can include the little one in on as well. She's not a runner naturally and actually looks like a duck when she does but hey it will be time we can spend together and since she can probably run longer than me it will be fun for her to pick on me.

Anyways, this is how I am starting off this week and well see how it goes.

One day at a time.

.....

It was a good week but I'm tired and just want to sleep. I'm sure it's from the change in foods this week though. Honestly today and yesterday have been hard for me. Not with my food choices but I miss my girls. My little one will be home Sunday but it feels like she's been gone forever and my oldest, we'll she won't be home with me on Sunday. I know one day she will see how her choices have effected me but it still hurts me now. I have to be strong and just know that I have given her the tools she needs but it's up to her to use them. I'm gonna enjoy my bubble bath and call it a night early. 

One day at a time 

One day at a time

Today is my second day of tracking my food and making a conscious decision about what I put in my body. I know it won't happen over night so I have to be faithful and take it one day at a time. I wanted to go for a walk last night but I was just exhausted when I got home so I didn't. Excuses. Yeah I know. I did however do squats and jump roped while I steamed veggies in the kitchen. Lame I know but it's a start. It was beautiful out today so I got home changed clothes and went to the park for a 30 minute walk. I have to say I love the homey feeling of our little neighborhood. The park was full of families, joggers, cyclers and of course happy kids enjoying spring break. It made me miss the girls but I also appreciated the calmness of it and the alone time. I ran across this little guy along the trail. 

One day at a time is what I will keep telling myself.

The Up's & Down's

I have stared at this blank screen for a while now trying to decide where to begin and I’m still not sure so I will start from my last post.

June 22, 2012. I was going places on my journey. I had no idea I would be here at this moment.

July 2012 began what would be my 2^nd divorce. The girls and I packed up and moved back to the DFW metroplex where we would be close to family again. We found a little rent house, the girls were signed up for school and I found a new job that was great but still didn’t make ends meet being a single mom. I picked up a 2^nd job waitressing on weekends and 2 nights a week. Thankfully I had family that lived across the street and they were able to help with the girls when I was working. I had a close circle of family and friends that got me through this time. I worked out or made good food choices every now and then but not faithfully.

April 2013, I met a man that would change me in more ways than I could imagine. He wasn’t my usual type at ALL. He was 12 years older, salt & pepper hair and a drummer in a metal band but I took a chance. It was one of the best chances I have ever taken. He has shown me what it’s like for a man to love me. Not what I can give, how clean the house is, what I cook for dinner, how I look, my weight or my past, but me.

May 2013, my oldest daughter decided she wanted to live with her dad. This was hard for me to say yes to but I did. She has been my right hand since she was born but I understood her desire to have a better relationship with her dad and who was I to prevent her from trying.

July 2013, our lease was about to be up on the rent house and we had everything laid out to move to Plano in August. I put the deposit down on our new place, started packing, hired the movers and started getting everything laid out.

August 2013, my guy asks us to move in with him. Crazy I know. It took me a while to make a decision. This meant I would be giving up my stuff and fitting into his home. For me this is what was hard. Not, would it work or would we be happy. That I knew was possible. My “stuff” had been my security for so long I wasn’t sure I could let go of it. Through 2 marriages and divorces I always had my “stuff” when I had to put the pieces back together again. I realized if I wanted this to be different then maybe I needed to be different. “Stuff” is just stuff and I want to have “stuff” that is ours, not mine and not his, but ours. So I did it. I gave away most of my “stuff” and the little one and I moved in with him.

November 2013, I was offered a better job with a construction company as the regional accounting admin and made the move. It feels like home and I love that feeling.

March 2014, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. I haven’t seen my oldest daughter for more than an hour or so at a time since July 2013. Honestly it’s more than I have in me right now to talk about but it breaks my heart. I don’t understand it. I haven’t figured out how to deal with it or fix it. I am a fixer and this one I haven’t been able to fix. I have done what I do in times of depression. I have put on weight. I am up 21 pounds since the last time I wrote here. That bothers me in many ways. I really thought I had my emotional eating figured out and under control. I was wrong. I sometimes feel like all the things I learned while I was blogging in the past were like a dream and they never really happened.

This is where I am and this is where I am starting from again. I don’t want to be skinny, skinny doesn’t mean happy. I don’t want a perfect figure, perfect figures don’t mean happy. I just want to be a happy healthy me and this is just where I will document the ups and downs of the journey.